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I was listening to Daughtry and Nickelback and all of these throwback rock bands and really enjoying the faux-macho man-voice they all used. Then I carefully crafted a love song which both imitated and satirized the style and wrote lyrics for it which reflected the romantic aspirations of what I imagined to be jock-rock's target audience.

Or, to put it another way, I totally hate Chris Daughtry, and this song is the end result of that hatred.


How do I love thee, baby?
Let me count the many ways
But none of it seems like enough when I don’t see you for days an’ days
I just can’t live without you
Baby, if you only knew
And I know just what to do
To prove my love to you
I’ll spray-paint your name on an overpass
I’ll order airbrushed t-shirts with caricatures of our faces on them
I’ve got to make one big gesture to let you know that you hold my heart in your hand
I’ll spray-paint your name on an overpass
If you go out with me, baby
I’ll prove my love is stronger than strong
We’ll watch whatever Netflix sent me, then I’ll buy you fancy coffee with a Starbucks coupon
I’ll take your kid to the park and I’ll hang him upside down by his ankles until he pukes
Because my love for you
Is truer than true
I’ll buy a pit bull and name him after you
I’ll stand outside your apartment playing “Wonderful Tonight” on a plastic recorder
I’ve gotta make one big gesture to prove that nobody can love you the way that I do
So I’ll buy this pit bull and name him after you
So many ways to show my love for you
A Southern Man knows how to treat his princess right
So I tell you how I’ll show my love for you
The way the guys in line for the roller coaster do
I’ll tattoo your kid’s face on my shoulder blade
I’ll change your grandmother’s diapers and hold your purse while you go to the bathroom
I’ll chain myself to your Hyundai and dress up like that big fat Hispanic from “Lost”
I’ll tattoo your kid’s shoulder blade on my face


from Here's What I Really Think of You, released October 17, 2009
Recorded and mixed by Scott Slagle at Asylum Digital Recording, Charlotte NC.





David Golden

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