A Song About Your Girlfriend

from by David Golden

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This song was one of the first originals I wrote for the initial Robot Johnson run at the Charlotte Comedy Theatre. It was first performed in March 2007 and was taken to the Duke Energy Theatre and included in a few Cast and Audience Favorites shows.


I know you’re really hurting right now
I heard she left you and I’m sure that you’re just trying to heal
But man, you know I’m here for you anytime
You need me to talk, or just let out how you feel
And I know you’re feeling helpless, I know you’re feeling hurt
I know that there’s not much I can say
But dude,
I never liked her anyway
She always acted too good for you
Like she was so great, like she could do so much worse
And she dressed you up in pink polo shirts
And made you shop for antiques with her while holding her purse
And she made you go to movies you didn’t want to watch
She made you eat foie gras and pate
And dude,
I never liked her anyway
Remember that time she made you ride in the trunk?
I never liked her anyway
And once at a Christmas party she grabbed my junk
Oh wait, did you not know that?
She treated your family like trash and one time she slashed your tires for coming home late
And last year she showed up to your birthday party and said “Is it all right that I brought a date?”
She sold your mint Carl Yastrzemski Topps rookie card cause she saw some earrings she liked
When you asked why she opposes universal healthcare she said “Because Hillary Clinton’s a dyke”
She drives an SUV and she roots for the Yankees and in winter she wears only fur
And we all remember the time she cut the tip of your pinky finger off to prove you loved only her
Two years ago, when your grandmother died she showed up drunk at the funeral and puked in the grave
She killed your dog and blew your cousin and his boyfriend and she crashed your car on purpose and
She brags her family used to own slaves
Look all I’m trying to say is that you’re better off without her
I mean, maybe she just wasn’t “The One”
So dude,
Is she seeing anyone?
Is she seeing anyone?
Cause you know I’d love to hit that just one time


from Here's What I Really Think of You, released October 17, 2009
Recorded and mixed by Scott Slagle at Asylum Digital Recording, Charlotte NC





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