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Here's What I Really Think of You

by David Golden

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1.
It's a Sign 02:33
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Black cat crossed my path on my way to work I think it’s a sign There’s a rip in my trousers and a stain on my shirt I think it’s a sign You always ask me if I think we’re gonna last If I can see any signal that the romance has passed Well, I woke up today next to a pain in the ass I think it’s a sign The new Tori Amos record is totally lame I think it’s a sign My favorite show got pre-empted by a Bobcats game I think it’s a sign Well when we first got together you were earthy and free Spontaneous and funny and you satisfied me But now your favorite position is “While watching TV” And I think that’s a sign Nothing lasts forever, you should know that better than anyone else And if we stay together, I think I’ll probably kill myself Do you think that’s a sign? Your cat coughed up a hairball on my favorite shoes I think it’s a sign I came home last night smelling like hookers and booze I think it’s a sign And if none of what I’m telling you is getting through There’s another reason God don’t want me to be with you Cause when you pee on the stick, and then the stick turns blue… Yeah, in my book, that’s a sign
2.
A Song About Your Girlfriend 02:58
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I know you’re really hurting right now I heard she left you and I’m sure that you’re just trying to heal But man, you know I’m here for you anytime You need me to talk, or just let out how you feel And I know you’re feeling helpless, I know you’re feeling hurt I know that there’s not much I can say But dude, I never liked her anyway She always acted too good for you Like she was so great, like she could do so much worse And she dressed you up in pink polo shirts And made you shop for antiques with her while holding her purse And she made you go to movies you didn’t want to watch She made you eat foie gras and pate And dude, I never liked her anyway Remember that time she made you ride in the trunk? I never liked her anyway And once at a Christmas party she grabbed my junk Oh wait, did you not know that? She treated your family like trash and one time she slashed your tires for coming home late And last year she showed up to your birthday party and said “Is it all right that I brought a date?” She sold your mint Carl Yastrzemski Topps rookie card cause she saw some earrings she liked When you asked why she opposes universal healthcare she said “Because Hillary Clinton’s a dyke” She drives an SUV and she roots for the Yankees and in winter she wears only fur And we all remember the time she cut the tip of your pinky finger off to prove you loved only her Two years ago, when your grandmother died she showed up drunk at the funeral and puked in the grave She killed your dog and blew your cousin and his boyfriend and she crashed your car on purpose and She brags her family used to own slaves Look all I’m trying to say is that you’re better off without her I mean, maybe she just wasn’t “The One” So dude, Is she seeing anyone? Is she seeing anyone? Cause you know I’d love to hit that just one time
3.
Blindsided by Love 03:40
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Come take my hand I’ll walk you through the wilds of a strange fantastic land called love Let’s begin To explore the vast unknown between each other’s nose and chin And it’s a new exciting road we’re on I’ll try to summarize the way I feel about you in this song It’s a big strong feeling that I have inside So sit back, enjoy the ride I promise not to leave you alone Well, except when I go out of town My job requires me to travel Two-thirds of the year Also, I can’t tell you what I do I hope I’m not blindsiding you and I promise that I’ll be true Well, as true as I can be Cause I’ve got problems with fidelity You knew this going in Come on, we had this conversation And it’s not like I’m blindsiding you with this What’s the big deal? It was just a passing fling It’s not like she meant anything to me Oh, God, stop crying Or at least do it more quietly The folks next door’ll think I beat you Look, do you want to get counseling? It’ll be a bonding thing for us, like doing something dangerous And laughing when we survive Happy just to be alive I promise I’ll be more honest with you As long as you don’t ask too many questions Maybe you should get a hobby Why don’t you take up macramé? Yeah, that’d keep you busy It’d give your life more meaning and Who knows, maybe you’ll sell some pieces Start up your own company and By then you won’t need me anymore Oh, come on, I know you You’ll be far too occupied with Selling macramé online and filling Orders to address my needs when I am home at all and I’ll keep travelling until the kids don’t recognize my face And that “passing fling” becomes the only one who understands Just how emasculated I have felt since your Income surpasses mine and When she tells me she’s expecting and I have to make a choice between Leaving you for her and being blackmailed for the child support I’ll come to you and say I tried as hard and as long as I could But you knew this going in Come on, we had this conversation, so it’s not like I’m blindsiding you with this
4.
A Prayer for My Daughter 02:32
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I’ve done a lot of things that I regret I’m not too proud of a lot of my life But I feel like I’ve been given another chance When I look in her blue eyes And I hope that I teach her well I hope that she can tell right from wrong I close my eyes and pray Lord, let my daughter be a dyke Let her crave a woman’s touch Whether femme or raging butch Just don’t let her date Anyone like me Men are only after one thing We plot and scheme and strategize After all, why do you think I hung around with her mom in the first place? And I hope that she’s well-liked And I hope she always knows she’ll always be Daddy’s little girl But Lord, let my daughter be a dyke Birkenstocks and flannel shirts Other girls are worthless flirts But she’ll never date Anyone like me And when boys knock on our door I’ll say “Sorry, Charlie isn’t in today” Then I’ll punch them anyway For sniffing around my little girl I see you staring, you’re fucking sick Think with your head and not your dick Or I’ll remove both Lord, let my daughter be a dyke Ovaries filled with useless eggs She’ll shave her head but not her legs And she’ll never date Anyone like me No she’ll never date anyone Like ______________ or me
5.
Freedom Park 04:18
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You’ve got to admit that it’s not going to work We’re drifting apart and our lines of communication are down I’ve never been so lost, and God, I’ve never felt so alone I have to admit I don’t know how to stop all the hurt But popular wisdom says when it comes to burning affairs of the heart That you’ve got to rekindle the flames of desire You have to go back to the start So let’s take a walk down memory lane Baby, put your hand in mine Let’s recreate our very first date Let’s go back in time Let’s take a trip through time Let’s drive down to Freedom Park and make out Let’s fold down the backseat of my mom’s station wagon And I’ll stick my tongue in your mouth Let’s clutch at each other just like we did Before the marriage went south Let’s go down to Freedom Park and make out We’re not going to get any younger, you know how it works Pretty soon my scalp will reflect the sun and your breasts will double for knees If we get divorced, we’ll die sad and alone in one-bedroom apartments surrounded by cats So before it’s too late, let’s take that left off of East Boulevard We’ll park the car and each wait for the other to open their door first I’ll stare out the window and hand-check my breath While you rummage through your purse I’ll lean over and kiss your neck As I’m taking off my shades You’ll say, “Baby, wait, let’s listen to this Mix tape I made. It’s a Pixies mix tape.” We’ll sit there in Freedom Park and make out I’ll fumble clumsily with your bra And then I’ll try to push your head south You’ll ask for a rubber and I’ll act as though I don’t know what you’re talking about While we sit down in Freedom Park and make out The flames of our love will burn Brighter than any star So bright that the cop who knocks on the window Will see two youthful lovers locked In a youthful embrace and not some middle-aged Couple who’s desperately trying to save their Marriage in back of a car We won’t have to drive far We’ll just drive down to Freedom Park and make out You’ll lean back your seat and pretend that your sex drive Isn’t deader than Bozo the Clown We’ll try to forget that I cry in my sleep And that you’re slightly more racist as Song of the South While we sit down in Freedom Park and make out
6.
I Love Baseball 03:15
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Many years ago, on a day like today My brother and I would go out back to play I’d be Dale Murphy, he’d be Bob Horner I’d sock a few dingers, he’d man the hot corner And we’d come inside sweaty but ready for more We’d turn on the TV, and Skip would tell us the score And it really doesn’t matter who you’re rooting for As long as you love The crack of the bat The flight of the ball The tip of a cap The umpire’s call The dog days of summer The thrill of the fall Goddamn, I love baseball! When we got older, Dad would take us to games You could pick your own seat because nobody came But that didn’t matter, we were close enough to touch Which was fine as long as Daddy wasn’t drinking too much But if the home team was losing, and they usually were He’d pepper the umps with curse words and racial slurs Then he’d point out a fat chick and say, “Dave, how about her?” That’s why I love A sweet diving catch A slide in the dirt My father’s hand Under a large woman’s skirt Too drunk to know better But too married to flirt Goddamn I love baseball! Put me in coach I am ready to play, ready to play, ready to Put me in coach hey now what do you say? What do you say? What do you Say you had a roster spot reserved for codependent, scoliotic introverts Whose alcoholic fathers forced them to play Would you bench me anyway? I’m an adult now and my son’s at the age Where he can take in nine innings on the world’s greatest stage I’ll buy him a hot dog, and I’ll buy me a beer I’ll kick up my feet and call Lo Duca a queer I’ll hiss and I’ll whistle, I’ll curse and I’ll shout He’ll have no idea what Daddy’s rambling about It’s not a true day at the ballpark till you’re escorted out And that’s why I love Swinging a bat Snatching a purse Scoring some ecstasy And stealing a hearse Picking up a tranny whore Dressed like a nurse Goddamn, I love baseball!
7.
One Big Gesture 03:29
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How do I love thee, baby? Let me count the many ways But none of it seems like enough when I don’t see you for days an’ days I just can’t live without you Baby, if you only knew And I know just what to do To prove my love to you I’ll spray-paint your name on an overpass I’ll order airbrushed t-shirts with caricatures of our faces on them I’ve got to make one big gesture to let you know that you hold my heart in your hand I’ll spray-paint your name on an overpass If you go out with me, baby I’ll prove my love is stronger than strong We’ll watch whatever Netflix sent me, then I’ll buy you fancy coffee with a Starbucks coupon I’ll take your kid to the park and I’ll hang him upside down by his ankles until he pukes Because my love for you Is truer than true I’ll buy a pit bull and name him after you I’ll stand outside your apartment playing “Wonderful Tonight” on a plastic recorder I’ve gotta make one big gesture to prove that nobody can love you the way that I do So I’ll buy this pit bull and name him after you So many ways to show my love for you A Southern Man knows how to treat his princess right So I tell you how I’ll show my love for you The way the guys in line for the roller coaster do I’ll tattoo your kid’s face on my shoulder blade I’ll change your grandmother’s diapers and hold your purse while you go to the bathroom I’ll chain myself to your Hyundai and dress up like that big fat Hispanic from “Lost” I’ll tattoo your kid’s shoulder blade on my face

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Songs written for The Robot Johnson Show, Charlotte's premier sketch comedy troupe, providing good humor by bad people since 2007.

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released October 17, 2009

Recorded and mixed by Scott Slagle at Asylum Digital Recording, Charlotte NC

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